Catchy Blog Title

Lord On Toast

2011-06-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't said a word about much in a long time so, fuck you Internets.
Fuck you and your Wedding Pictures.
Fuck you and your Photography.
Fuck you and your Relationship Advice.
Fuck you and your 2Leep hyperlinks.
Fuck you and your Cat pictures.
Fuck you and your News Squashing.
Fuck you and your Fear Mongering
Fuck you and Everything you don't stand for.
FUCK YOU FOR NOT BEING WHAT YOU COULD BE...Better!

Yippitty Skippitty Do

2008-09-22T05:42:00.000-07:00

Well now, lets just see.
Another year...wow that just sucked.

I've decided to share a bit of my prose, which will make its rounds and end up in some book that will never gain me credit but will get paid for, all on account of one of my wonderfully e-penned yet jaunty outcries; man people really suck the life out of you, don't they?
Ps. Reader: I've started my day with far too much speed, in an conceited and vanity-filled attempt to mentally time travel back to a time when I did things in a snap pop & crackle fashion...back when things would surround me with mad static

The amount of what there is... is... unimaginable yet we chase or regret.
With that all being stated: here we go my friends, just a tiny taste:

I fucking despise Harley owners.
Whats worse is when they have a bunch of
stupid shit attached...flags and stuffed animals, ribbons and
fucking stickers to tell me how
me how many rallies they've been to, or what chapter of the retarded club that
makes them feel better about not actually achieving the "James Dean... I'm a bad ass, no really look at me" fantasy... the one that made them want one in the first place.

So all lets gather around and look at the shinny two wheeled
fact that I have a fat wife, little dick,2.5 bratty kids and I just got a 5% raise after my annual review at the life draining sheeple job I begrudgingly drag my ass to every day...
"Oh wow..are they the new grip warmers?..oh the 09 model?... Wow"
"Look at my I'd like to fuck my wifes sister chrome trimed ferring...nice"
"Are those the I wish I had actually done anything but this with my life spokes?"
"Back up brother...that looks like 8 coats of high gloss triple dip candy apple red, you blow knuckle juice over the neighbors Queen of the Corn Husker harvest 19 year old, that you saw in the local rag....It is"

Just ride to ride.

In the immortal words of G.C
"Chilly aint never been cool"

Ok the SoCo is starting to talk to me
UP08!!

Aint he so cute?

2008-07-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

Well its been exactly 3 years to the day when CBT has inspired many and scolded few.
Here I sit again listening to German Streaming Techno...well, let's not say again but rather for the first time.
Looking back at the 1st post that I made, I still agree with my believes. That's good right? So lets see what all has happened (and Yes I have been drinking and eating things...little roundy things)

Made peace.
Moved a bunch, about to embark again.

The real reason behind this is that I find drinking and writing to go hand in bottle...

Ok maybe since this is making less and less sense I should stop, and start again.
But since you know about it, please raise a glass and say happy happy for CBT and Me.

Outside of living, I aint ever did anything for 3 years....
till now...

Ok more drinks

D

Hell Finally Does It !!!

2008-06-18T19:03:00.000-07:00

In a startling new turn of events global warming and polar ice have somehow begun to coexist.

In the lazy town of St. Petersburg Florida quite an extraordinary anomaly has occurred. Both record high temperatures and polar ice caps have begun to form. Satellite imagery (shown below) proves the existence of both extremes of the thermodynamic range at the same time.

Local Meteorologist’s are stunned by this wild turn of events. And most will offer no reasonable explanation, until more information has been gathered. The entire scientific community is in awe of this spectacular event.
Many of the area churches have begun holding 2 nightly masses and emergency candle light sermons.

Oddly enough the source of the extraordinary freezing temperatures has been linked to a major electricity surge that occurred around 12:00pm Tuesday June 18, 2008.

Peter M Scott III: Progress Energy Executive Vice President & Chief Financial Officer:
"We are not sure what caused the rolling black outs, however when can say that we have localized it to one area of St. Pete’, directly surroundinga Retirement Community just off of 1st street."

Click on photo for a closer look of where authorities believe the disturbance to have originated from.

St. Petersburg Florida Mayor Rick Baker

was overheard saying “this is just another phase of global warming and to just sit back and enjoy our many local attractions.. and to let the local officials sort out the details”

What ever the cause of this current situation, we here at CBT think that when all is said and done that there will be one man to blame for this, who that is well...that has been yet to be determined.

So until next time, one bit of advice for all you Floridians out there...Pull out your shorts and put on your parkas!

WHO YOU CALLING PSYCHO?!?!?

2008-06-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

As most of you know I can be a pretty seriously funny drunk, along with a pretty fall down funny drunk. I miss most of what I remember and what people tell me makes even less sense. I wish I could remember half of what I tell people. I hear it sometimes, comes back to me in weird ways, mostly... I am expected to remember what I've said...Well people I think that is plain Phooey! And I wont have it. With all that said, I leave you with this. I webbed my call sign and this is what it came up with. I wish the world was different...sorta like when I'm drunk..what a crazy chase we live....

Now...Downward Facing Dog...and...Hoooold.....ZIPPPPP

2008-04-03T05:09:00.000-07:00

This is not news to some, maybe just to me...

I started thinking (while standing in a gas station, waiting to pay)
I saw a gift card for gas:
Thoughts In order:

1st: Cool, give the gift of fuel in these tough times.

2nd: These gas prices keep going up...my gift unless used right away is going to be worth less fuel then when I bought it...strange

3rd: What the fuck is with all these gift cards everywhere, clothes stores, super markets, gas stations, super stores, Quic-kee marts? Who in the hell gives someone a gift card to 7-11?

Why are these everywhere? Follow the money, who would benefit?

So you give your cash money to some corporation you get a piece of plastic, they have your money, they deposit your money in their bank, they earn interest on your money, your gift card recipient hold on to it for X amount of time, all the while they are earning money on your money.

At the same time, the corporation is buying things to sell and making a profit (all for that, no issues, good business plan) however they are now able to buy things with the money that you have freely given them to earn interest on, so in reality they are buying things for EVEN less or even for free, and selling them back to you or in this case your friend, wherein they make another profit...And they don't even give you your change...

I wonder how many gift cards are out there, with 1 and 2 dollars "change" left over, just sitting in their bank earning interest....hmmmm

The long and short of it is, that you would be better off financially if you took the time to get your gift recipient an actually gift...its worth more and in a lot of ways.

But what do I know?

Fresh Camel for sale...Only 1 Owner.....a little old lady only use him once a week...Camel for sale....

But I love you.....

2008-01-29T07:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think that life is like ANY movie from the 70's:
1. Poorly filmed
2. Shitty Dialog
3. One take shots
4. Lack of Continuity
5. No Plot
6. No Script
And ringing in at number 7. No budget

Just Lean Back Now

2008-01-19T04:29:00.000-08:00

Over the last few...well since August 13 2005, I have tried and tried again to relay a simple message. I hope that you have seen fit to understand what that message is.
It's there amongst the 76,896,000 seconds that have passed by since we first met. We have eaten and drank through 890 days and if you've been attentive and had your thinking cap on...the clarity of it all is evident.
It is not so hidden that with a few hurried and definite cleansing brush strokes you would not see how very bright it is.
With all this being said or translated for you... and with the hope that I hold for you, I offer a challenge...I take that back: I offer a reward, a monetary supplemental offering for the one person that can convincingly express what that message is. I would think that a paragraph would suffice. The amount will be directly proportional to the quality of response.

OP9J
CBT Inc.

Contest ends April 1st 2008.
Same Canadian Rules apply

Tick Tock.

2008-01-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

I've been brother...
Ive seen and I've done,
I've never forgotten brother,
I've been taught by the best.
I've known to listen, and learn
I've touched and smelled.
I've learned brother, I've learned.
I've missed you brother.
You would be so proud brother.

Soon Brother soon, we will talk again.

JDK08

No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express...

2007-12-12T04:16:00.000-08:00

I called my sister after about 7 years to wish her a happy birthday and as things go, the conversation boils down to niceties and idle chit chat:

Me: So how are things?
Her:Good, things are good.
Me: Your husband doing well, everything going good?
Her:Yeah, he's laying down he just got home from work.

(It's 11 am and I am thinking oh he must work 3rd shift
I haven't spoken with her in some time so I really know nothing
of her day to day.)

Me: Oh working the late shift huh?

Her: Yes, he has been going in at 2 am, it being the holidays and all.

Me: Wow 2 am thats rough...what does he do?

Her: He works for UPS loading the trucks?

Me: Ouch...but I suppose if you get used to it, it might not be so ba..

Her:Yeah, then when he gets home at 11 am he lays down until 2 and has to be back to work at 3pm.

Me: He goes BACK to UPS at 3pm to load more trucks?!?!

Her: Oh no...this is for his other job.

Me: His OTHER job?

oh..well people have second p/t jobs right..making ends meet...

Her: Ya, he works there until Midnight, and he gets home at 1 am

At this point I am in awe of what is being said not really believing

what is going on, I am thinking "wow things must really be rough".
And I start nervously/hysterically laughing... all the while looking for some
fault in her story, surely this can't be true.

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS? HE GETS HOME AT 1 AM, THEN TURNS AROUND AND GOES TO LOAD TRUCKS FOR 8 HOURS ?!?!? A SECOND FULL TIME JOB

Her: Yeah.

ME: SERIOUSLY... So he works from 2 am until 10 am...comes home lays down from 11 am to 2 pm, then turns around and goes to a 2nd job from 3 pm until Midnight?!!?

Her: (Not even batting an eyelash) Yep.

Me: Really??!? This is because of the Holidays right? The fact that he is going in 2 am? Just to get some extra holiday cash?

Her: Yep, The UPS is extra busy with all the Christmas stuff going on... NORMALLY he goes to work at 3 Am.

ME: WHAT!?!? NORMALLY???

Her: Yeah.

I repeat what I had just transpired, just to mentally pinch myself.
And between nervous disbelieving laughter I keep repeating
"are you serious?"

Me: Holy shit...so he gets MAYBE...MAYBE..3 hours of sleep a "Day"? *whatever that would mean to someone pulling these kind of hours.

Her: Yeah.

Me: (in a last ditch effort to make any rational sense) Well this is just temporary right? After the holidays he'll go back to just regular hours, night shift or otherwise?

Her: Oh no, this is his regular day.

Me: How long has he needed to work the 2 jobs a few months now?

Her: 9 years.

Me: ( loosing my shit) 9 YEARS!!!!!
Are you fucking serious?? Come on, you're fucking kidding me 9 years? He's been working 2 full time jobs for 9 years?!?!? Surely after almost 10 years at UPS he could apply for a management position and lose the 2nd job?

Her: oh no, he doesn't want to do that.

Me: Why not?!?

Her: Because, he wants to start going to school.

I am now in total hysterics and only able to get
a single word out.

Me: When?

Giblet Love

2007-11-23T06:56:00.000-08:00

Happy Happy Turkey Day

The Ole Ropeadope

2007-10-12T09:19:00.000-07:00

This girl rocks, our relationship is solid as a rock, I wonder if she likes rock, her best friend is dumb as a rock, I can’t afford a big rock, sure does like her rocky road and her rolling rock, she’d sink like a rock, things are getting rocky, my drinks …on the rocks, our relationship… on the rocks, sometimes I feel like Rocky, life sure ain't rock steady, so rock on down this rocky road, and again I’m a rolling rock…now that’s rocking.

The above in no way reflects my personal life, just a play on words...or in this case word. And how insane our language is.

The Family

2007-10-05T05:28:00.000-07:00

1. Born. You:
2. Wake up: Realize.
3. School: Get an education.
4. Work: Get a good job. Defined by income.
5. Property: Get a good house. Defined by someone else.
6. Expansion: Through lack of or extensive thought.
7. Envy: Covet.
8. Greed: Brother to Envy & Anger.
9. Anger: 1st Cousin to resentment.
10.Inebriation: Stepfather to Expansion.

Desire and Memory

Plato... Aristotle... Socrates...Morons!

2007-10-02T05:10:00.000-07:00

I have stood atop the actual Cliffs of Insanity, which live up to their name.
Sadly although the 6 finger man did not appear...anyway words really don't do them justice, (the cliffs that is, not the extra digital impaired fictional character from the movie. )

Roger Roger, Whats your vector victor?

2007-09-20T05:44:00.000-07:00

Step 1: Thwart Security.
Step 2: Drink.
Step 3: See Step one.

17 Days later

2007-09-10T06:58:00.000-07:00

In the last 17 days nothing of any incidence has occurred...9 Days till I meet Erin.

Grr

2007-08-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

So I am waiting on hour 3 of hold music..."we appreciate your time as much as you do..."
So I start stumbling around the Webernet and I decided I should be making a list, because I am bored and pissed.
Things I've noticed about the endless stream of garbage out there.

1. You are not a fucking photographer, There are enough f'ing pictures of the moon or a random building that you think is just "magical". You suck and your pictures suck. You are not going to change anyone's life with your digital masterpiece. Owing a knife does not make you a chef.

2. What the fuck is going on with all the pictures and videos of cats?

3. Faked Motivational posters are only funny the 1st time you run across them.

4. There ARE better things to do with your time. The clock is ticking peoples...

5. There are SO many fucking videos of people hurting themselves, and others that I honestly fear for the human race.

6. If you know what "peanut butter jelly time is" you have no life.

7. I hope the E-Card trend has died, the only one to appreciate is Swearbear.

8. Whats that? You're blogging about what colors you like, what you had for dinner, or that your kid took his first dump? Kill yourself.

9....opps after 1 hour 36 minutes I got a person..more hate later...

Once again it's the incredible

2007-08-01T03:28:00.000-07:00

So, here we go:
After much thought and internal deliberation
I present to you the 1st 10 things that make me, me: "Friends"

1. If you are my friend I would indeed help you bury the body.
2. I demand the same amount of unspoken understanding from you as well.
3. If asked and it was available, I would promptly give you the last penny I had.
4. I will make every effort to see you before you die.
5. If you step back, and look at the big picture, you will always see me there.
6. ...
7. If you decide to walk away, I will be here when you get back.
8. I place equal value on everyone.
9. If you share your mileage with me, I will walk within your memories.
10.I may disappear for a bit, but its only to make sure your path is safe.

Next Concept: Life (Date TBA)

HA

2007-07-11T08:50:00.001-07:00

Malbano Frato

2007-06-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

Of the things that I think about when I am mentally musing about my west coast brother's life; it is the fact that he and I quietly share one thing (I think we do anyway)
We both look at the people as if they are there for our amusement. Not in a "I'm better than you way" although sometimes as it's blatantly obvious, but more of sense that we both somehow are put into extraordinarily odd situations which mandate a certain regard for the awe of humanity. He by nature is a reporter turned tattooed real estate tycoon, and for me, it really hasn't been decided, yet I honestly feel we both are either thrust into the odd or we are on auto pilot to crash into the strange. And we each make notes in our own way and relive the insanity to our closest friends.
This really hit home when reading his notations on a recent trip he took to the lone star state, It was at the same time I myself was in the land of cotton or peanuts or what ever it is they grow in TN. I travel quite a bit in the deep south and most of the time the stereotypes are founded. And I oft time find myself changing both my accent and vocabulary to fit the surrounding.

Standing in the lobby of the only hotel offered in the town I was staying, awaiting the desk clerk's attention, I turned 180 degrees around to see the above picture.
A fully stocked beer cooler in the workout room. This in of it self was odd and photo worthy and so it was taken.

The tooth impaired bolder sized breasted hotel clerk appeared as I turned back around. I made light conversation about the area and weather and general questions, the type you ask while waiting for your credit card to clear.
What I wasn't prepared for was the following:

"TheresYawalmart upin tawn"

OK... processing....if I carry the one?...nope does not compute...lets try again...OK Breastzilla has just answered my question, I think...Wait what?

I tried again, maybe it was me: "Any good places to eat around here?"

"Didntchaharme? Theresyawalmart upin tawn"

I took my room key and left.

CrackerJacked

2007-06-02T06:52:00.001-07:00

A fellow blogger has asked me to give a review of the Semi-New Samsung BlackJack.
So here we go:

Day One: I cant put it down.
Week Six: Still Attached to hand.

Upside: Its full of alien technology.
Downside: Johnny Mnemonic up-link cable not included.

Overview: Make sure your friends have a recent photo to remember you by.

Wow...

2007-05-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

I hate the fact that I cant play guitar, I further hate the fact that this guy is playing exactly what I would if I could... My suggestion would be, hover your mouse over the play button, close your eyes and click. Then about a minute in open your eyes.

Just caught my eye

2007-05-26T19:29:00.001-07:00

"Everybody wants to be Rich"

2007-05-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

I mostly have people sending in their comments in response to what I have posted most good some just plain weird.
But it is not without pride that I post the picture above:
They (the tattooee) has asked for your help.

They would like to know what you think should be crested above the image.

A word or phrase. He is looking for your input because he respects your ideas and comments... He didn't specify a language so I think its wide open...Send in your best and if its up to snuff he'll have your thought posted in ink... in flesh..for the whole wide interweb to see..

So fire away, and feel free to enter as many time as you would like. The contest closes when I get a picture back with your phrase needled into his skin. Good Luck

Is that what I asked you?

2007-05-03T06:38:00.000-07:00

KLATOO... VERATA...NECTtphhhhhhhhhh...

2007-05-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

Glenn A. Britt
President & Chief Executive Officer
Time Warner Cable Inc.
Time Warner Cable Inc.
290 Harbor Drive
Stamford, CT 06092

Dear Sir:

As I am sure that you are an extremely busy person I fear this communication may fall on deaf ears. However as one of the millions of people that utilize your company’s services I would like to point out something that happened to me.
I tried to sign up for an automatic payment draft as to not get behind on my bill and after speaking with the Wilmington NC call center it was brought to my attention that I had entered my account information incorrectly; which I take full responsibility for. I made a mistake and should be charged accordingly.
However the bill that I received showed that a credit of $0.01 had been posted to my T.W.C. account drafted from my bank account, an account that could not have been correct seeing as I made a mistake in entering my bank account information.
So a payment of one cent was entered into my T.W.C. account from a non-existing account and then somehow returned to a non-existing account and I was charged $27.00 for this non-service. I was told that the penny was posted to my account ‘in good faith” BEFORE actually verifying that the account was there and the data was accurate.
This inaccurate information verification and miscommunication has taken my normal bill of $8.77 and turned it into a $71.56 charge.

Another way to look at this would be to say, that somehow the people in your employ have the ability to create money, and in good faith give it to your customers. I am not quite sure how they are doing this but I would love to know the secret of magic money creation. And I am sure that as the C.E.O you would like to know as well so as to update your portfolio to include the magical arts industry.

Regards
Wilmington NC

I'm snail mailing this letter wednesday morning, lets see what happens...

...and reach 2,3.4..and hold..2,3.4

2007-04-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

OK, not unlike getting a swat for not listening; my webtor (web mentor) is wagging a digital finger at me in disappointment for not not posting as of late. I only have one reason, not an excuse but reason for not posting. And before proceeding I must beg of you kind reader not to empathize with me or at least not to express concern while imbibing the next sentence. The reason that I haven't posted is that my father had a stroke and I was attending the ICU in New Jersey for the past week. With that said I have proven to the jury beyond a reasonable doubt that I have valid reasoning for the stagnation.

So thus I present the following.

During my trip to the state of cease pools and concrete. I noticed something that I truly wanted to share with ya'll: its the picture seated atop this very page; if for nothing else it really states something about the human condition.
This picture was taken in the last hotel room available.
This situation of the photo states very simply "do not use this as a clothes hanger"
This was imprinted on a 8 foot high ceiling.
What made me do a double take was the fact that I took this picture in a hotel room specifically designed for someone in a wheel chair...

Not 63

2007-04-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

Dont be all PC about this...damn junkies

2007-03-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

Those wacky chine..japa...Berkeley ian's..

2007-03-13T05:46:00.000-07:00

While unpacking a Simply Asian Szechwan Garlic Chow Mein pseudo-takeout noodle meal I noticed a, well shit you saw the picture. Its a bendable portable & somewhat contortable fork. At first I thought it was broken, but oh no, to my surprise it was not broken at all. After further investigation and a load of trial and error I mastered...OK, look I'm really reaching for something to say about the bendy fork..Just thought it was neat and wanted to share. With that said:
I am willing to pay the monetary equivalent of one regular fork if you can come up with the best 10 uses (other than eating) for the bendy fork. If all your uses can be practically applied to the bendy fork, I will mail you the monetary equivalent of 1 (one) brand new typical metal fork and THE BENDY FORK !!!

Contestants must be of legal age to participate in the Bendy-fork challenge. 1 entry per household computer. All bendy-fork ideas become the property of C.B.T. In. and will be used to further my existence. Canadian residents are stricken from this contest, any and all entries received from Canada will be destroyed. Contest ends Apr. 1st ,2007

Algebra's for chumps...

2007-03-09T05:23:00.002-08:00

Memo.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane.. it’s the side of a Tampax box…

2007-02-27T04:15:00.000-08:00

While using this product you can still enjoy all your favorite activities:
A round of golf, a lazy day of fishing, bowling a perfect 300…having your ass kicked by Jackie Chan?

Normally I am anti-product endorsement, brand marketing, brand stretching, and logo enforcement,so much so that I make every effort not to expose any labels on my clothes... and in a sense when it comes to the XaviX I still am, HOWEVER, one of the systems expansion pacts actually includes: a scales and has a body health monitoring.

And when it comes the obese American public; if anything can get us motivated to get up and do anything it’s an electronic thing that plugs in and makes a whirring noise (G.C.), we don't fully understand and will most likely start an instafad cyberyoga club...I hate people.

So outside my better judgment check this out: X

Californian Dreaming

2007-02-22T04:07:00.000-08:00

My brother sent me of a list of 100 things he had compiled about himself, a kind of "thus-far" self check if you will. Reading it made me want to start my own; with this in mind I humbly offer the first 10 of my list for your review.

I have tons of friends (such a great friend am I; most don't even know I exist)

I can read your mind within moments of meeting you (it helps that I read your mail 1st)

I am spectacular in bed (I can out dream anyone and am willing to prove it)

I am fantastic at time management (I totally understand how my watch works)

I possess cat like reflexes (this, constitutes a lot of eating & stretching)

Hollywood paparazzi follow me endlessly (see dream comment)

My sense of humor is incomparable (insert joke here)

I tend to repeat myself (due in part to my cat like eating habits)

Woman want me (to leave...directly after my pants hit the floor)

I love to hear the people laugh.

Use this doll to show the judge where your husband touched you...

2007-02-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

OK, I would normally not do this but just plain Wow... There are not enough words to describe how insanely ludicrous...

...From your fist cigarette to your last dying day...

2007-01-09T04:36:00.000-08:00

I've started and stopped writing this one particular posting about 3 times:
(This one...The one you are reading now...But a day at the local swimming hole and 6 bottles of writers muse later I've decided to write it...so justa keepon reading)

This is: A post about other people, which I am in constant debate of, due in part to the fact that I don't want to you (my 3 consistent readers) to think that I've lost site of why you are reading and start thinking that I have begun ranting and raving about meaningless garbage that you have not had a hand in.

As a opposed to the meaningless garbage that fills the rest of my blog...

And the situation as it is sits like this:
For my entire life (thus far) I have noticed once constant among the cattle:

Example: You are hanging out with a gang of your friends and you notice another group of people walking your way, everyone's ears perk up, backs straighten, shoulders peek. Everyone makes eye contact with a member of the opposing group, and the group quiets slightly or entirely (unless one group is obliterated) This is also true of the opposing group which is walking towards your group..they will do almost the same thing, they will either widen out their positions, to increase the "size" of or if there are fewer in numbers than your group, may walk sightly closer, as to sub conscienceless yet conscientiously protect their "pack.."

And there always seems to be someone with in your group that has something to say about a member of the opposing random interlopers, after they pass by....just loud enough maybe to start some shit...this is the guy or girl in your group that you should kill right away...they will cause nothing but problems for your common group goals. It's also at this exact point that everyone thinks to themselves "why did we bring them?" But you don't kill them do you? You put up with their shit for another day/night for some unknown reason...

However IF every group did that, and followed through with the dispatching of the loud mouth girl or guy at the very moment they decided to put their pack in jeopardy, I think that the unspoken message "shut up and get along with people" would ripple through the world faster then Superman erased Lois Lanes memory...lucky superpower having bastard...

Ok...so I did start the fire...

2006-12-27T05:25:00.001-08:00

If you're in the know..then you're in the know...here's a picture of someone when not in the know:

Was it a down low dirty trick to "suggest" to my brother's girlfriend that she should trick her soon to be naval officer new life full steam ahead old life behind him boyfriend that she was pregnant, and do it in such a manner as to have everyone including his parents and all his best friends be willing participants and that she was going to do this on Christmas morning by presenting him with a WORLD'S BEST DAD bib and multiple colored booties, and both watch and photograph the blood run from his face and the worst case scenarios simultaneously transpire in his head... all because he decided to fill my house with extremely loud and annoying battery operated flashing lights and siren screaming plastic gifts for my 4 year old... Maybe.

Am I looking forward to the retaliation? Absolutely.

Gill Netting

2006-12-07T04:17:00.000-08:00

Ok fine so I am a bit late returning the last two movies I rented, matter of fact I am late ALL the time. I oft times think of using the "X-Mart" free rental & return policy, I barely follow traffic signals or laws for that matter. I am a free flowing effervescent substance of non committal constants. The road calls to me yet memories pick up the phone, I wont do what I can't and can't always do what I will. They are there again as per normal and with a vengeance they wait for my next move. Taking into consideration all of what could be, I can see how HST did what he did, or at least the why of it. So in retrospect and keeping my 20/20 somewhere near the back nine, I find its time again to wake the sounds which soothe my lead laden eyes and make haste in which is left only for me. It all will boil down or at the least it will all breakdown to a never ending cycle of Plato's thoughts being ingrained if only at the atomic level. There sure are days when I am glad that the 7 day gun laws are in place, there's one thing that Wal-Mart probably would not take on return...

Holy Holy Ho

2006-11-21T07:09:00.000-08:00

Time for a holiday treat:

Yippee Diddly Dippity Doo
Fresh plastic blister packs scent anew

Grandmas dried turkey & over done beans
Sweaters that don't fit & stains on your jeans

Uncle whomever has drunk most the wine
3rd cousin whatshernuts, looking just fine

In come the neighbors with a platter of cheese
Doesn't quite equal what they did to your trees

Now there goes cousin holding back tears
Remembering something after all these years?

Oh look there, someone gathering wood for the fire
While Drunk Uncle begins to shout "that she's a fat liar!"

Grandma's hip goes out, and she flips the table...
falls into the wall and rips out the cable

There goes the bird & there goes the game
Almost every year its almost exactly the same

Someone looses a tooth or blackens an eye
All because of paying tribute to some holy guy

Holiday parties will never change or veer
So I wish you good luck and a happy new year.

Yet one bit of advice before I leave your gaze
You should tend to your Uncle, as he's set himself ablaze...

D.G. @ C.B.T Inc.
Copy write 2006

Suits for the Suits

2006-11-17T09:27:00.000-08:00

Let me preface this by saying that I whole heartily abhor the corporate machine.
It is with only the occasional open eyes that I notice that I am indeed a cog in the wheels of consumer glue which binds us together, and I feel a sudden pang to leave this country with all speed.
It is however the same eyes which gloss over and veil cover themselves at the sight (blatant or otherwise)of shiny objects which are produced by the machine. Which is to say that I am in a constant state of acceptable disbelief of what is presented to me.

With this all being said:
Save the McRib!
Some very big Anti-Marketing Marketing dollars are being spent on Saving the McRib sandwich, which I highly doubt is in any danger of being killed off. However it is that the spin on this superbly cataclysmic colon bomb is being spun...I urge you to join forces with me in saving the gelatinousness greatness of this tasty once a year treat. I hate myself for knowingly being blinded, and yet obeying what is an obvious marketing campaign to even further bolster and pad the pockets of the executives in power, but I am unwilling to take the chance that this really could be the final year of the pig... type stuff on a bun... Anyway I am number 46,966 in the the rally to prolong and empower them further...you'll join me wont you? Please...I need them to come back next year..Please?

HOWDY MEEBO!!!

2006-11-10T09:25:00.000-08:00

I was stumbling around today and found this meebo thing.
So if you wanna tell me how super cool I am and you see I'm I am online, be sure and gives us a ringsy dingsy

Pieces of a Warrior Dog's Sunday

2006-10-31T10:39:00.000-08:00

Well its that time again, the time where mini humans dress up and beg for candy...A time when the leaves fall and the pine needles drop, a time for old things to die and new things to wait for spring, a time for things to be atop other things and sweets to be shoveled into the awaiting and anxious mouths of anxious children, a time for the tree house of horrors to be pushed back even further because of the obsession with a tapered stick and leather clad ball, time for time to jump back and reflect upon itself for another hour...a time when all things get just slightly colder, a time when the blankets are just too warm, time keeps on spinning round in circles again a time when things drag just a bit long and the tea grows cold and nothing quite seems to fill that void a time when things go away and may not come back another day...a time when time was just in time...its all falling away into time again...

Take 2 of th..thats gross get out of my office.....

2006-10-19T11:40:00.000-07:00

30 Days later….

I have a theory that is largely based on the small stature of a certain person who for now, we will call “Bruce”:

Just 30 days ago a suspicious person is seen in the first picture making a “phone call”… and a mere 4 weeks
Later I am inflicted with an ailment of epic optical proportions.

Although I have no rock solid evidence, please allow my conjecture concerning currently contracting conjunctivitis close to the provable truth.

If say a person of said a smaller stature was only able to lift 1 pound, while I being of a normal size could pick up 4 pounds. It stand to logic that when applying Einstein’s theory relativity coupled with a conglomerate of thoughts concerning size times width equaling the square root of ∏, I say that that the oddity of these two pictures being taken exactly 30 days (4 weeks) apart divided by “Bruce’s” height surmises that I have been deliberately injected with a viral strain infection!

I rest my case..

Theres a fungus among us

2006-10-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

Well I WAS gonna mention the state of the world according to the current economical status of a CERTIAN cleaner version of the USA..but nooooo somebody had to leak the story...Thanks for ruining the party DRNKNSMK!!!
You're prolly in league with Johnny AINT YA!! Moles everywhere!!
I see your game you rouge!

Thas lil' piggie

2006-10-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

We (the proverbial "we" that is) will oft times try and lash out at those whom we may envy and yet secretly admire, due in part to the fact that we can not all be number one at any particular time. This is most likely do to a lack of talent or ability, a void in someone of such capacity; that the only way to rectify this misunderstood feeling would be to reenact a childhood defense mechanism. A rudimentary form of name calling coupled with less than a 15 year old child’s expanded vocabulary.

Of which can lead to such the example I offer.

So I suppose it is high time to introduce my nomination, per one faceless tart's vote:
I present to you all the only proof needed in its entirety:

“Johnnyheckler" had this to spout.

Johnnyheckler said...
Wow, I can't believe they leave swill like this up for so long. Strange, I though there were standards. 2:50 PM

1^st: we have: A statement of astonishment “Wow I can’t believe..”

Johnny seems to be a non believer... but of what I wonder? Is he a non believer in the “They”…who is “they”, again I am filled with conjecture of just what Johnny means.

2^nd :If we are to believe that Mr. Heckler has come to terms with what his beliefs are. The next concept in need of clarification would be “swill”, is the meaning of this a reference to pig slop?

Using IF/THEN logic, I would state that Mr. H would be one that would enjoy the slop that was offered. If referring to the slop as such, J.H. must have taken pleasure in it. He proves this logical conclusion; I offer furthermore, He wanted to be included in with the slop, by leaving his abstract thoughts for others to read. Finalizing his love of the slop, with the notation of the length of time this “slop” has been around…he must been keeping a watchful eye on his beloved slop.

3rd: and perhaps most importantly Mr. J. Heckler is so impassioned by the strangeness of what is going on with his beloved slop and the ever elusive “they” that he forgets himself and put spelling on a back burner. When speaking about “standards” in the last and obviously most crucial aspect of his statement to the world he forgets that the standard for the word “thought” is to place a “T” at the end of the word.

Maybe…Just Maybe “They” took the T, because without it the word “THEY” would just “HEY”…Wow…”Hey” does work in this sense. Check out this statement, if I lose the “T” from the standard american alphabet…. “Hey why not shu he fuck up Mr. JohnnyHeckler and put a real fucking link under your rearded pseudonym?”…nope…need that letter “T” when trying to slam someone…ShiTbag.

Umm..

2006-08-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

I'm far beyond a perfect parent but THIS, this is just a piss poor way to deal with a youngins teething cries...ideas.org indeed...wheres the cord?..slackers!

Double O Nobody

2006-08-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

Not unlike trying prove the existence Barmanus's American cousin using nothing more than shaky 8mm films, I have a quest & I have evidence..but my proof is just as shaky and I've not much to go on..the bane of my interweb life is a someone whom I may never meet and so the search for (s)he who I seek will for now remain a mystery:...Yet I shall not be detered!!!

Over the last year we here at C.B.T Inc. have compiled a list of what we know so far.

We know so far that "Anonymous":

*Is forgetfull of humorous pixle compilations.
*Speaks a minimum of 3 languages and telephone?
*Seems to think they are related to a blog.
*Believes I am not to be sexually believed.
*Seems to enjoy bad poetry.
*Thinks Blogpages can fly intoxicated.
*Has deep rooted grammatical measurment spelling issues.
*Also thinks blogs can speak.
*Loves and wants to eat me.

Over the past year "Anonymous" has left several revealing tell tale statements of their personality, we are trying to piece together a visual map of their appearance.
If anyone out there has any information that would lead us to revealing the identity of this occasional apparition, please leave a comment.

Below, please find our finding that we found...Look...just help us out would ya?

Anonymous Has Said:

"Someone loves you...and its ME!
MUAH...mmm tasty

Las palabras para explicar a un Tío bebido Munchy:

El tío Munchy es malo a mí. El siempre grita en mí. El no quiere el hecho que soy un planificador y él no es. No hay nada que puedo hacer para hacer Tío Munchy feliz

There is one disadvantage to flying drunk....Thats when they put you in an exit row.
WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!!!!!!!!!!

That was the sweetest poem ever written.

You are fuckin unbelievable!!

Где Вы придумываете это? Вы записали количество неправильно

what about Height and Heighth

Has anyone ever told you that you have a very sexy voice?

Maybe you could try talking to your friends, just a thought... brother.

GlobalLink - free loNg dista@nce in continental US.
GlobalLink - telephones for the massssssss3k4jk3l;2jk3#K$J##K:JRKLDJfslkdjklsJFKLdsjkl; fdKSL:FJSD kjf33ijr;lkl; rekl;a reklw;qr spam error please call tech support.adsj 3kla3jkr lr

That was so funny, I forgot who's page I had browsed to for a moment...

Thank you computer...

2006-07-31T14:20:00.000-07:00

I just saw this and wanted to share...is there nothing Microsoft cant improve?

Take 106 of these and call me Ishmael

2006-07-25T15:09:00.000-07:00

I was feeling really strange the other day so I figured I would go and get my annual work up done to see if all the stuff that happens inside me...is happening in the right way...ok well that’s gross, but hey!

So the first the call to the docs office goes like this..

“Hi this is me, do you have my results?”..

“Yes we do, we are waiting on your cholesterol results but “we” did find several controlled substances in your urine screen.”

….“such as…?”
Methadone

“WHAT ???!”
”yes..”

Cocaine metabolite

“WHAT ???!”

“yep”

Tri cyclic Antidepressants

(ok...that’s way off, I would never do happy pills)

Opiates

“WHAT ???!”

“uh hu”

Amphetamines

“WHAT ???!”

Enn-yes..

Barbiturates

“WHAT ???!”

“oh and…

Benzodiazepines

“WHAT ???!”

“OH yes…”

I say “oh really…that’s interesting…FAX THAT OVER TO ME Immediately!!

And then she has the audacity to tell me that I shouldn’t worry and that these results are not shared with anyone.
She almost sounded smug.

So I tell her to fax over the results again.

Ok soooo..I am a zombie with enough time and money to cop half a dozen pills every day and shoot up…oh, and I find the time to work…well sorta work.

And now I’m freaking out cause I’m thinking I am getting poisoned somehow, and not even remembering any of it...and kinda pissed at myself for having an dual personality and who ever the other person running the brain show dont wanna share his stash with the work-a-day me & has yet invited me to the everlasting pharmacy party.

So... when I don’t get the fax within 10 minutes I call back.

For her to tell me that "THEY" not SHE but THEY had read the report wrong and I had no drugs in my system whatsoever…and so "I had nothing to worry about.

To which I said:

”Well that’s good cause they shouldn't be in my system… I wonder will YOU be sharing that information with anyone???, cause I will..."

**Phone Slam**

F'ing Slint trying to convince people they are taking zoloft...bitch!

A Very Merry Un-berth day to you...

2006-07-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

Below you will find proof that its just not me that is the crazy one...I have a leader and I follow his guidelines approximatly so so....
( I have changed his S/N to protect him from other would be followers..lets just call him......"J"...

Googly: I’d need to get picked up by a preferably sober driver
Googly: or i can take a cab if it's close
Googly: :-)
DarknissDarkniss: sober shurrly you..wait what???
Googly: what's there to do down there?
Googly: drink, beaches, and strip clubs?
DarknissDarkniss: Yeah
DarknissDarkniss: bring money
DarknissDarkniss: Aint no one gonna foot your ugly ass
Googly: my bank account reads EA344ddkf for my balance
DarknissDarkniss: well that’s good I guess in fantasy world
Googly: and I have a visa black card
Googly: no limit
Googly: no questions.
DarknissDarkniss: Visa Black?
Googly: oh yeah.
Googly: POWER
DarknissDarkniss: I have a corp card I don’t pay
Googly: they know I’m good for it.
DarknissDarkniss: I had a black visa once
DarknissDarkniss: it was more of a black market visa
Googly: heh
Googly: your bill reads:
Googly: Undisclosed Weapon Expenditures 30000.00
Googly: Lung 40000.00
DarknissDarkniss: Well its not THAT vague...they do offer a expandable plus symbol that shows how much of a tip I leave, it showed up when I moved that Haitian kids kidney thru Botswana customs.

I got curios about this whole Visa Black Card..so I looked it up to find this:

DarknissDarkniss: No matter how simple or complicated your request might be, our Concierge Service covers it: from flowers to chocolates, balloons, tailoring, laundry services… the list goes on. We aim to bring you nothing but the best!

Googly: nice
DarknissDarkniss: Yes Hi..Hello? Visa Black?... Yes…I would like to order Chinese midget hooker with a harelip and a peg leg for my sons bar mitzvah ..oh and a half dozen jelly donuts
Googly: "would you like the hooker to arrive with the donuts, or separately sir?"
DarknissDarkniss: I would like the donuts in the midget, please
Googly: :-)
Googly: so when can i come down?
DarknissDarkniss: Oh BTW I am a transsexual with a crippling speech impediment & chronic halitosis. I do not do well in social settings, so if you would be so kind to tether the midget to the lamp post outside the hospital where I will be undergoing my 26th surgery on my spiritual and physical journey to purity, I would appreciate it.
DarknissDarkniss: How about October 1st ish..?
Googly: that's doable i think
Googly: that's Halloween in Salem though
Googly: I can check dates
Googly: and have my secretary get back to you.
DarknissDarkniss: Halloween is the 31st in the United States of America you commie!!!
DarknissDarkniss: Oh and if you could have your secretary do some other things for me I would appreciate that as well
Googly: keep in mind "she" is a transsexual with a crippling speech impediment & chronic halitosis
DarknissDarkniss: Then it would seem that I am working for you now is it?
DarknissDarkniss: is it?

Im not crazy head..too alone...

Can you spare a minute?

2006-07-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

Something hit home the other day: Peoples time isn't worth anything, not one red cent. Mathmatically speaking that is...staying alive for any great length of time is finacially impossible: I will let the following chineese arithmetic do all my talking for me.

Example:
Job: 40,000 a year
Divided by 52 weeks a year equals: $769.23 per week
Divided by 5 work days a week, =s: $153.84 per day
Divided by 8 hour per day, equals: $ 19.23 per hour
Divided by 60 minutes per hour: $ 0.32 per minute
Divided by 60 seconds per minute: $ 0.005 per second

It takes 20 seconds of your working life to earn 1 single solitary penny.

So the next time a boss asks if you can they can "borrow you for minute"
It would be economically better for you if you made them wait 10 minutes before you made any kind of motion whatsoever...

Oh...I almost forgot...the numbers used above are pre tax dollars...Go ahead, hold your breath till your blue in the face...that takes around 2 minutes ...thats about sixty four cents worth of air, but breathe easy chikadee....think about this way the next time you step over past a penny, just think if you picked it up, you would have more time on your hands...

I rest my case.

Hi...Oh...Hello, yes Hello?..Hello...Yes..Hi....

2006-06-23T04:50:00.000-07:00

I honestly dont even know how to start this one...so I will try my best.
I know... I will open with a line from my favorite book.

"Some wise people decided that this was a very stupid way to go on living, always being scared of each other"

This statement has nothing to do with how I actually feel about my current situation or
the world of shit that someone else has put me in, I just needed to put it down on pap...electronic pixle screen.

I am so utterly beyond the state of furious anger that I am shutting down inside, one by one my enternal emotional systems are slowly closing down...one by one by one..I cant even type this, as the section of my brain that creates thought is entering a state of hibernation...

Alarming Chapstick Request

2006-06-14T18:27:00.000-07:00

Please continue to hold your breath...Will Post again this Friday, possibly by Sunday...Soon..I promise..ok you can breathe..Holy jumping cow nuts..BREATHE DAMN IT!!!
LIVE!!!! LIVE!!!

Bum Bum Bum Bum De Bum Bum De Bum...

2006-05-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

It's not often that I expel to ya'll anything to do with my personal life, but this one just couldn’t pass by unrecognized...or mentioned...anywhichway...just read

I must confess that this is not the only place that I jot down my thoughts... I will oft spill prose in such places as... bar napkins..stall walls...my PDA...a leather bound journal...the inside of airplane vomit bags (un-used of course, although not recommended; they being coated in wax, very hard to pen anything).
To me, my writings are like family members, a "someone" that I created...that I have come to know letter by letter...a child..my children.

All of the aforementioned devices have served me well, whilst I bounce from port to port extending my family....however its my PDA that comes in most handy when I am flying Inebria-Air. Its quick to start and I find that the auto word guesser filler inner thing makes for a humorous game while I am "typing", one letter at time with my busted tipped metal stylus. Alas it is with a heavy heart I inform you...that I lost 4 of my mind wandering thoughts, 4 Paragraphs of text never to be recovered...4 entries of mine that have gone gone the way of the Dodo, all because I for the life of me could not remember the F'ing password that I put on it 2 days prior. So I had to do a full reset and in essence kill my own mental children. It was something that had to be done. I cant look back, I have to move on...I have to keep on living....keeping only their digital memory alive. The feelings of not wanting to lose any more of my kinfolk prompted me to copy and repaste a comment on I left with a fellow Blogegue's
(blog + collegue...and yes I just copyrighted that term...)..So with no further adue, I am pleased to introduce to you the newest member of my family...Live strong Comment numba 129!

"I want a content censor bleeper for my personal use...something integrated into my voice box..bluetooth maybe...wireless technochocolate super reverse engineered curse canceling headphone jacks...I guess I just like that bluuuuop noise..."

Isn't she just adorable?......choochie choochiecoo..lil' puddinpop

The 3rd Bowl of Porridge

2006-05-04T03:52:00.000-07:00

I started to tell you about the day of perfect weather, or lack there of ( the weather that is) It went down like this..outside 10pm..feet up...I came to this conclusion about my enviromental surroundings...
Perfect weather, no wind no heat or cold or breeze like walking in an echo.
There was no wind, no cold, not to warm...perfect moisture levels...no sounds...

It was such a perfect feeling that I never wanted it to end, and I re-entered the house and went to sleep as soon as as I could, as not to lose that feeling. However the perfection of this left things in a state of unbalance...

This happened the other day..or evening that is...I about forgot about it, until it happend again just last night...this brought to mind a miraid of ideas that ended in one undisputible thought...the chain of events that brought me to the concept that must conclude, that the only thing to do on such a perfect day of the year, or days that is..would be that, the next time that perfect weather presents itself...I am going to get a brick and start a riot.

Pump up the Valium

2006-04-24T05:18:00.000-07:00

Disclamer

I formally offer a sincere applogy to my 3... (4 with a good tailwind) readers out there...
I realize that I have been majorly absent in keeping up my end of the bargin, whatever that is.
It would seem un-like other "artists" in the world, I have found that the key to keeping your audience stuck to the chair is: Prairie Dog Effect, which is to say...on occasion, pop my head out of the dirt, stare off into the distance, scurry a short distance from my hole & make a statement... all the while looking just cute enough to be the guy, you'd cheat with...given that second glass of cabernet.. I suppose what I am saying here is that not only do I love to randomly and lightly entertian my audience but more importantly... that my love comes in spurts... so now that you're glued back to the nagahide...I'll start loving you again...then get you a towel, then call you at 3 am...you know the drill...

Things to know about the beach:

1. That good looking person over there has more money than you.

2. Bringing any kind of electronics is always a great idea.

3. You can get a great tan in one sitting.

4. It really is one great big ashtray, just for you.

5. The people next to you really do want to hear your music.

6. Reading the latest Grisham novel is uber cool.

7. You'll have the only picture of the horizion at sunset.

8. That thing in the sand isn't a cigar.

9. The white foam is great as a hat.

10. Sunblock is for commies.

People

2006-03-28T05:12:00.000-08:00

The drawbacks and downside to these types, (humans) greatly depends on one factor.

Taking the time to wander down to my local library, I decided to research the topic in greater detail. Feelings of wanting the absolute truth dis-wayed me against thumbing thru the regular volumes on the subject, taking a fresh approach might just be the ticket to my salvation.

What I discovered was quite shocking, not in the conventional sense but more so in the manner of true amazement. And not even in the solution (which is amazing in and of itself) but, where I found the answer, it really gave pause for reflection.

On the third shelf from the bottom, in the remedial reading section, I spied a wide spine book with a catchy title: "All of which you thought you could know" Written by RJ. Donage.
Granted quite the tongue twister of a title for someone with below average reading skills.
As I opened the book, the spine crackled as if for the first time in many years.

Contained within this text of what I only estimate to be a 200 page book, was a single phrase, typed over and over again, a mathematical equation that aids in concluding the simplest solution, when trying to deal with these types. As simple as the answer is; it is often overlooked, quickly forgotten and under used.... yet once you hear or read it, is quite easy to remember, if you find it somewhat difficult to retain you might employ a pneumonic device to recall it, when needed. What device that may be is entirely up to you.

I doubt that RJ. Donage ever had much of a career as a writer but the message contained within the one book by Mr.(s) Donage has made my life such an easier place to live in, and I thank him (or her) for taking the time to pass along the following:

Open mouth = Hated individual.

Thank You.

The world is my Toilet

2006-03-23T16:59:00.000-08:00

This is a place holder for what is to come dealing with the above listed header. I have not forgotten that I am to "make with the blog blog". I just am trying to pick up the pieces of what everyone that reads my blog is already aware of. I will change this (the text you are reading right now) as soon as I am able...plus I have an infected hangnail...Owweee...ouchy...this hurts to type...just so yal'l know..I'll get it back on track as soon as I can I promise. Seiously thank you for all your support thru this time.

Isnt mountain no high enough like low valley wide river

2006-03-09T05:52:00.000-08:00

As some of you may know, I have just been thru a messy "divorce" and as I struggle with the hardship of this, I thank you all for all your help and support. And in one of my darkest hours dealing with this pain..I looked into an old and somewhat fogoten email account...and I found this letter in my inbox lo behold my pain and anguish my be a thing of the past yet I was suprised that my story of woe has reached past the iron curtian..but it has..and I think that it will comfort some of you to know that my pain could soon be over...read on!

Hello,

Me name is Svetlana.
After birthday of my girlfriend after all my girlfriends have left to meet
with the husbands and guys I has decided, that the friend with whom I might
connect all further life too is necessary for me, but such person with whom
I would not be happy is not necessary for me.
I shall tell to you slightly about myself, me 29 years, I live in city of
Orsk in spite of the fact that it is very beautiful city, here very
difficultly to find the good person with which it is possible would be to
connect the life, the purposes of people in our city very much low, and the
girlfriend has advised me to look same people as well as I in the Internet,
I and have made I have gone to the Internet of cafe and have found a site
which to me the girlfriend has advised, at her mum as has got acquainted
with the person from Germany. From all countries which were offered me on a
choice, I have decided to choose , on films and under stories I know, that
people for which his personal honour and decency is appreciated more than
any petty interests live in this country. After short viewing structures I
have seen yours which most approaches me, and have decided to write to you
in hope that I shall receive from you the answer. Excuse I has distracted
from the story about itself slightly. As I to you already spoke me 29 years
I live in Russia, city of Orsk, my weight makes 64 kgs at growth of 170
centimeter. At me higher education on a speciality the ecologist, but on the
trade I do not work, as on it it is very difficult to find work. I work to
help the bookkeeper in the company which is engaged in sale of home
appliances. I live one without parents, my parents were lost at a fire of 6
years back, my grandmothers and grandfathers communists, my relatives were
noblemen when Russia king corrected earlier, but there was it for a long
time. I never supported ideas communists, they have resulted the country
which once was great power, in full route. But about it I shall not continue
to me this subject not so it is pleasant have shot.
I live together with mine cat Murka, she my best friend! She also likes to
ask to have a meal black color at me, in exchange on it she may sit next
hours me and purr. Unfortunately I badly know the English language so I the
first time shall be to use the translator, but I go on rates, on studying
language. With impatience I wait from you for the answer. Your new friend
Svetlana.
Please write me on my personal e-mail: svetlanchik@russian.ru
So it will be more convenient to me to write to you and I can send you the
photos!

...."With impatience I wait from you for the answer".... sweeter words have never been almost been spoken.

Svetlana come to me
LOOOOOOOOOOOVE ME...

Weight For It

2006-03-03T13:34:00.000-08:00

A steady diet of Vitamin E, Ephedrine Sulfate, Green Tea and a myriad of hard liquor is a wonderfully easy way to shed those unwanted and unsightly winter pounds.

The amount of each substance will vary by the individual, so experimentation is vital when engaging in this regiment. If you are not seeing the results you want, by the arbitrary date you’ve selected; just try adjusting the quantity of one or all of the ingredients.

The only real rule to remember is that food is your enemy!

You will undoubtedly encounter sever headaches for the first few days or even weeks. Some of which may be as massive as an encompassing body numbing migraine. But not to worry, these will taper off; just about the time you slowly lose mental acuity and begin your new life in the time fog of weight loss!

While on the road to the newer and slimmer you may stumble upon a slight to mild heart arrhythmia, which is quite normal and is to be expected and welcomed as your body’s muscles fight for the nourishment that can not found.

It is also about this time that your soon to be sexified bod will start devouring itself, thus scientifically increasing your core body temperature and that’s when all those dangerous calories really come pouring off!

Slight to moderate tunnel vision is also a well documented byproduct of your new weight loss program, this mildly incommodious issue, can often be helpful as to block out the natural visual cravings when walking near the refrigerator or the occasional, yet forceful food court free bourbon or teriyaki tooth-picked chicken sample.

Stomach “butterflies” and insignificant weakness in the joints and both upper and lower extremities is also been acknowledged by our staff.

We have found that when attempting to deal with unknown and unexplored phenomena it’s simply best to give it a name; thus starting the process of understanding.

The somewhat intermittent yet sudden arm flailing or joint locking can be summed up with wha we have deemed “The Elaine Bettis Effect”, or TEBE for short.. and who's scared of a little TEBE? Not us and not you!

So let’s get started on the first day of what may be the rest of your short & thin life!

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This concept is not
intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, and may even cause a few.

Pocket Dialer

2006-02-22T06:27:00.000-08:00

In and around this hole:
3 quick quips.

Got a phone call the other night from some number that I didnt recognize..no V/M so I called it...had a 2 minute phone convo about nothing trying to find out if they wanted me..it ended with the girl "Kim" asking me if I had any Crack.

Was walking thru the store the other day and I noticed a girl staring intensley at the shelves, as if she was debating on something but she just kept staring...she had 2 items in her cart, a potato masher and hot dog relish, I just had to ask her if she had completed the shopping list she was holding, she laughed nervously and said "no". I saw her 30 minutes later, she had added a 3 pack of bungee cords to the other 2 items in her basket.

I was called a "regular" today...I was at a store I frequent..and I was called a "regular"...I didn't care for that comment, cause I didnt take it like eveyone else would have....You can do the math.

Visine & Junebugs

2006-02-20T17:08:00.000-08:00

Taking unto account all what can bee, could poise to be a difficult task. So I well sum up with little to know knowledge of which that I am expounding on today. The first and uddermost tissue with witch juan begins ploting itself: to be within the normality of sundries presented herein.
Proof of thesis starts now.
1.All of which is, is. There is no more.
2.Take account of what you see, now close your eyes.
3.Bring forward the most important thing in the world.
4.Do or Go or Be that thing.
5.Do not stop.
6.When completed Repeat from 1.
7.Its always eaiser to play chess from the side of the board.

What hell is all about

2006-02-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

I can honestly,truly and without hesitation state that:
A. There is nothing past the point of which you are able.
B. What is infront of you can vaporize without notification.
C. In the end there is the end.

With this being said, take in to account the parable of the scorpion and the turtle.
If you dont know it, it basicly breaks down to one can not change who is he/she really is, and will always revert to ones nature. The story is a short one and worth the read, but then again it would hinge on your willingness to learn about your nature in the end.

So if you are waiting on the side of river bank for a ride, decide before hand if you want to make it to the otherside.

The fingers you've used to dial are to fat...

2005-12-29T17:56:00.000-08:00

I watched a show the other day and it dealt with the morbidily obese, Now Im talking these people were HUUUUUUUGE 8 and 9 hundred pounders that lived for years....YEARS in bed with the only thing moving was their mouths and colons...Please dont get me wrong some of my best friends in the world are larger than life, but not this kind of big...so big that the fluids dont even bother making it all the way to....well wherevfuckever it is that fluids go, to do what they do..the fluids in these people dont bother to go there..it just leaks out of the skin onto the bed, onto and INTO the beds that somehow have gained the magical capacity to hold the weight...I looked, there are beds that are special made for the obese they START at a 250lb crush weight..START at 250...these are specialy made beds..not the beds that are supporting these people, the beds that hold half ton persons are normal beds that somehow have not buckled under the stress..and another thing...what number potato chip or hotwing or ring ding was it that did these people in?..do you think it was one random tuesday morning where the person swallowed a snack in bed and ALL OF A SUDDEN Couldnt get up or just decided not to? It's not like an aligator attacking where you might not see it happen...people don't lose the ability to move due to weight gain in a matter of moments. I dont even know why I am mentioning this...I just wanted to put it on record that there are really large people in the world and it bothers me...maybe im just jealous of the fact that there are really people in the world that can truly say ..."I JUST DON'T CARE"...and really mean it...Yeah..dangerously close to death or not I respect the Fat man for his total disregard for society's norms...Go Freedom Train Go!

Regional Dialect Spell Checker

2005-11-19T07:20:00.000-08:00

Regardless of what you may or may not be aware of in your life, one thing will hold true of mine. I am a horrific speller. I know this. I dont care.

1. I refuse to learn how to put things into their gramatical correctness.

2. I abhore the fact that I continually spell things wrong (according to the masses),
and yet I will never make any attempt to make the choice to fix this catch 22.

3. I over and under use the comma to get rid of the green underline thing in MSWORD.

4. I have no idea what colons or semi colon's are suppose to do, outside of fixing
that green underline thing.

5. I honestly dont care about the ownership of a nouns property wheather
its..'S or...S'..or just plain S. It makes no difference to me.
I understand what I'm saying.

6. I use the wrong words entirely. See item line item #5. I neither know nor care
if the 12th word is spelled or even used correctly.

7. I often times will not use an apostrophy in the word dont, because not using it
does not change the words meaning. As a matter of fact, all the letters are there
and no one will stop reading a memo because of the lack of a inverted angled dash.

8. I have always had trouble with transposing letters in the word Does..I will always
type and handwrite the word dose..and vice versa..just now as I typed these lines
concerning the 2, I inverted them 4 times as I was trying to explain
the difference.

9. Line item #8 drives me up a wall, because you cant say "easy dose it"...well I
I Suppose you could..but not very often. It would'nt make any sense outside of
medicinal applications. But the opposite doesn't work at all, you cant say "take
one does of this in the morning"...So this brain lapse in lettering closeness
drives me insane.

10. I will capitolize words in the middle of a sentence if they seem to be important,
or I feel they have some intrinzic value.

I guess my whole point would be that I have always be a verbal person, I am well spoken. I know a whole lot of words. And when I speak to you, the fact remains that I dont have a red or green line underlining my voice, telling me Im wrong. Because you get the jist of what I am saying by my tone and the occasional use of the mid air "Cobra Fangs Cobra Fangs" to emphasize a point. I have always said (to myself at least) that "It's not in the details but the meaning". The same holds true on the written word, you get the idea of what is being said. Its all in how something is said the feel of the deal... Getting a word wrong here and there isnt going to change the meaning of a book...Well maybe the Bible.

Penny for your thoughts on a Dirty Crime

2005-10-31T08:09:00.000-08:00

I once read a theory on being wealthy:
It went something along the lines of
"If one has a single penny they can not be considered wealthy"
But what say you; a person has 100 million pennies, would they then be considered wealthy?
Which is to say that to get to 100 million you would have to start with one penny right? What ever the number is which equates "wealth" in your mind you would need to proceed from a single penny.
So even if a subjects' idea of wealth was for example was 1 dollar, well you can not achive that goal with out that final penny, which oddly enough could also be considered the first one...
Would this then be the truest example of "the sum of its parts are greater then the whole" Or in juxtapose a weird parallel of "the same difference"?

If I was to take the facts of this mathmatical issue into another section of life or at least life on this planet..
At what point is a pile of dirt considered a moutian?
If I was to walk atop a moutian and scoop up a handfull of dirt does it cease to be a moutian? Does it then revert back to a mere pile of dirt?
Which is to say..what if it was not a hand full of dirt? What say you if it was one single granule of dirt? A pile or Moutian?

The obvious solution would be that its all a matter of perception:
That's how we get thru life, we adjust our perceptions to accomidate or lives to make our brains say "who gives a shit?" If a penny makes you wealthy or if a hand full of dirt makes a moutian...
In essence it boils down to "It's only a tiny amount of anything"

Since you are reading this I would think that you might to agree that sometimes the smallest things in the world do matter...since you just like me were at one point no bigger than a speck of dirt and maybe just for a minute nothing in the world could compare to how much you were worth.

So I guess the crime thats being committed here would be that we dont take the time to think about what it took for something to become something...
Which I think this is sad... because before we know it,
We all will be nothing more than a pile of dirt with people stepping over us like a tailside penny...

Enjoy
All Hallows Eve everyone...

Feigning Interest & Hidden Agendas...

2005-08-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

I like that phrase "feigning interest", I think I have it mastered.

The power that you can hold over someone, if they think you are honestly listening to them is unbelievable.

Which in itself is an amazing concept because if you (like me) are a master of it, the second party can never be quite sure if you really are or not. Kind of in the same way you can never prove that you have never been hypnotized..These two concepts are not that different if you think about it.

It does take work mind you, you do have to listen for key phrases and watch expressions as they come and go, the general and occasional affirming nod will never do; and is a tell tale sign of a rookie feigner. Which will inevitably lead to the the dreaded question of "ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!?!"... But when coupled with other more advanced techniques "the nod" can be a rock solid form which no one can deny, and if done correctly can not be denied.

When Feigning you must be vigilant in your lack of attention whilst keeping abreast of sudden changes in the "Feignies" face. A raised eyebrow denotes, a psychological pause of the "Feignies" speech and demands a retort on your part. A simple double eyebrow lift from you, further propels them into deeper monologue and leaves you more time to think about important things like, if you should replace the cat litter today or if it can last another week.

The above is but one drop in the hundreds of techniques I use on a daily biases for keeping my hidden agenda alive and well, when dealing with the cattle of the world, I sit here right now typing, wondering if I should tell you more about the art of feigning, and the methods deployed in such...But then again, why would I want someone out there better than me?...And too, the damn cat litter stinks, well maybe not that bad yet.

Why I love Jello

2005-08-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

Why I love Jello:
An unprecedented journey into the gelatinous abyss....

When ever there is boredom there is Jello.
When ever there are doubts of domination, Jello.
Where ever there are power struggles, Jello.
Who holds the keys, doles the Jello.
What ever may come of answers, Jello.
When ever a cry pours into the night, Jello.
Whoever asks for it, Jello.
Jello Jello Jello!

Thank you Jello!

The Argument Against Flying Sober

2005-08-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

A friend and I once spent the better part of a year in an substance induced bender,
Much of which I, and he has forgotten, and for good reason. I doubt either one of us would want to remember 80% of what occurred, and what we do makes us laugh...When it is that we have flashes of the outright lunacy of which we partook...Now with that in mind, take into consideration that I would do it all over again in a heart beat, seeing as the older I get I have fewer and fewer of those left, so if ever given the opportunity, I would spend one of them or the rest of them to forget another 3/4 of a 365.

Now as to the argument against flying sober it is an indisputable one, which I suppose takes away the idea that it is indeed an argument at all...And viciously turns it into a monologue of my opinion.

Why one should never fly sober: It is just plain fun not to. I cant count the number of times that I have arrived at the wrong gate, ticket agent, airline, terminal and even the absolutely wrong concourse. Traveling is suppose to be an adventure, that's why man travels....How can one possibly interject adventure by arriving at the correct gate on time with boarding pass in hand?
I say its impossible to have it both ways.
One might argue that if one is to intoxicated to get to their gate they would miss the plane and therefore miss....Well, miss the plane..
I say fuck them! Non-adventurous bastards! Live Life for one second, get out of the Cog of the Real and Step in to a alcoholic blur that will change your life if only for a few hours...Or in my case as its been weeks at a time...But do something, anything that proves your alive.

Do you really think that if the plane is falling from the sky, the fact that you are stone cold sober is going to make a difference? Drunk or Sober your going to Shit your pants,

I say do it drunk, at least you can laugh at the fact that when they peel you off the side of that building, there will be a overpowering bourbon stench that might make the EMT puke in your now empty skull

Why your are wrong-Part 1

2005-08-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

In lesson one I will cover the basics of why you are wrong, both in your personal and professional life.
Lesson 1. Professional Life:
Ask yourself if you would would rather be doing something else?

If you answered with yes, then you are wrong.
Wrong in what you are currently doing. This posses a problem with the persons that would always rather be doing something else, which is to say you will always be wrong. If you are not content with what you would be doing instead of what you are now doing you will continue to be wrong. And in enters a nexus of incorrectness, both in thought and deed.

Solution A: Never change where you are, if you'll question your change.
Solution B: Always change everything, and never question your change
Solution C: Change everything and question your change.
Solution D: Save your change, the current APR is like 1.5%

Lesson 1A

2005-08-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

Lesson 1 A.: Your personal life

This is very much the same as your professional life. Ask your self the same question. "Would I like to be somewhere else with someone else, or no one else?". Using "IF/THEN" logic, gander down one line for advice. If you answered your own question with a resounding "YES". I offer you 4 possible solutions.
Solution A: Run, it doesn't matter what direction, pack a bag and run.
Solution B: Walk aimlessly torwards the door and run, screw the bag, get what you need on the open road.

Solution C: Come up with something on the spot about having to rotate the tires on the cow, smile a "...You'll See" kinda smile...and leave the other person wondering, while you break tread on your Nike's running to the nearest available Greyhound Station.

Solution D: Stay right where you are and continue to be wrong, kicking yourelf about being wrong.