Take 106 of these and call me Ishmael

I was feeling really strange the other day so I figured I would go and get my annual work up done to see if all the stuff that happens inside me...is happening in the right way...ok well that’s gross, but hey!

So the first the call to the docs office goes like this..

“Hi this is me, do you have my results?”..

“Yes we do, we are waiting on your cholesterol results but “we” did find several controlled substances in your urine screen.”

….“such as…?”
Methadone

“WHAT ???!”
”yes..”

Cocaine metabolite

“WHAT ???!”

“yep”

Tri cyclic Antidepressants

(ok...that’s way off, I would never do happy pills)

Opiates

“WHAT ???!”

“uh hu”

Amphetamines

“WHAT ???!”

Enn-yes..

Barbiturates

“WHAT ???!”

“oh and…

Benzodiazepines

“WHAT ???!”

“OH yes…”

I say “oh really…that’s interesting…FAX THAT OVER TO ME Immediately!!

And then she has the audacity to tell me that I shouldn’t worry and that these results are not shared with anyone.
She almost sounded smug.

So I tell her to fax over the results again.

Ok soooo..I am a zombie with enough time and money to cop half a dozen pills every day and shoot up…oh, and I find the time to work…well sorta work.

And now I’m freaking out cause I’m thinking I am getting poisoned somehow, and not even remembering any of it...and kinda pissed at myself for having an dual personality and who ever the other person running the brain show dont wanna share his stash with the work-a-day me & has yet invited me to the everlasting pharmacy party.

So... when I don’t get the fax within 10 minutes I call back.

For her to tell me that "THEY" not SHE but THEY had read the report wrong and I had no drugs in my system whatsoever…and so "I had nothing to worry about.

To which I said:

”Well that’s good cause they shouldn't be in my system… I wonder will YOU be sharing that information with anyone???, cause I will..."

**Phone Slam**

F'ing Slint trying to convince people they are taking zoloft...bitch!