Friday, March 03, 2006

Weight For It

A steady diet of Vitamin E, Ephedrine Sulfate, Green Tea and a myriad of hard liquor is a wonderfully easy way to shed those unwanted and unsightly winter pounds.

The amount of each substance will vary by the individual, so experimentation is vital when engaging in this regiment. If you are not seeing the results you want, by the arbitrary date you’ve selected; just try adjusting the quantity of one or all of the ingredients.

The only real rule to remember is that food is your enemy!

You will undoubtedly encounter sever headaches for the first few days or even weeks. Some of which may be as massive as an encompassing body numbing migraine. But not to worry, these will taper off; just about the time you slowly lose mental acuity and begin your new life in the time fog of weight loss!

While on the road to the newer and slimmer you may stumble upon a slight to mild heart arrhythmia, which is quite normal and is to be expected and welcomed as your body’s muscles fight for the nourishment that can not found.

It is also about this time that your soon to be sexified bod will start devouring itself, thus scientifically increasing your core body temperature and that’s when all those dangerous calories really come pouring off!

Slight to moderate tunnel vision is also a well documented byproduct of your new weight loss program, this mildly incommodious issue, can often be helpful as to block out the natural visual cravings when walking near the refrigerator or the occasional, yet forceful food court free bourbon or teriyaki tooth-picked chicken sample.

Stomach “butterflies” and insignificant weakness in the joints and both upper and lower extremities is also been acknowledged by our staff.

We have found that when attempting to deal with unknown and unexplored phenomena it’s simply best to give it a name; thus starting the process of understanding.

The somewhat intermittent yet sudden arm flailing or joint locking can be summed up with wha we have deemed “The Elaine Bettis Effect”, or TEBE for short.. and who's scared of a little TEBE? Not us and not you!

So let’s get started on the first day of what may be the rest of your short & thin life!

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This concept is not
intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, and may even cause a few.